If you've got some free time, I'd really appreciate some thoughts on my script for a story I call "Chambermaid Abbadon"
Chambermaid Abbadon is a kind of personal project that I've been working on and reshaping for quite awhile. What you see here is just rewrite of the many previous versions I've done. It is the vehicle from which I navigate and explore the possibilities of manga writing and story telling.
I'm always looking for artists to work with and new projects to start, so if you need a writer and you like my writing feel free to give me a PM.
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EXT. SPACE ABOVE EARTH-LIKE PLANET
A tube shaped space colony floats just above the atmosphere.
It looks to be in a state of disrepair. There are no lights
coming from inside. A ring of debris orbits around it.
Suddenly, there is a large explosion off the port of the
giant construct; spraying debris into cold space.
The hull of the massive construct begins to light up as it
enters the atmosphere.
EXT. A DESERT VALLEY AFTER RAIN FALL - FOGGY MORNING
It is early morning and a thick fog permeates over a flat
and cracked desert ground that seems to go on forever.
A dark figure (Helvetica) can be seen emerging from the fog.
The sound of her taking breath is rhythmic.
Helvetica's mouth hangs slightly open as she controls her
We watch from the side, putting into perspective the vast
space in which she is jogging. She looks small in
(controlled breathing, small)
Helvetica stops in her tracks, a tiny flower with moisture
dripping off its pedals sits by her feet.
She exhales and slows her breathing. A bead of sweat wells
up on her chin.
Helvetica walks off towards a tall ivory tower just ahead.
The flower and its roots have been dug out from the ground.
TITLE: Chambermaid Abbadon
INT. IVORY TOWER HALL - FOGGY MORNING
We follow Helvetica as she walks through a dark and long
white walled hallway. The walls are cracked and caked with
dust, the bulbs have been exploded, the ground is made of
There are old portraits lining the wall. All of them appear to be
photographs with a seperate name on each of them. They are
all portraits of children.
A close up of a portrait that is different. Rather than a
photograph; it's actually a crude drawing of a young smiling
Looking closer still, we see a name, it writes "Helvetica".
INT. IVORY TOWER STAIR - FOGGY MORNING
We look down on her as she emerges into a large chamber with
an industrial spiral staircase leading up. Contrasted on the
dark marbelled ground floor is a symbol that has long lost
She grabs the railings as she makes her ascent.
Helvetica makes her way up the tower, her figure small in
the cavernous tower. Along the staircase are many doors
leading to many different rooms.
INT. IVORY TOWER UPPER DECK - EARLY MORNING, STILL DARK
Finally she reaches the top; an airy opening. A light breeze
blows and sways her hair.
She stands alone on the upper deck. It has an inverted
conical ceiling with pillars to support the weight of the
roof. There are no walls blocking out the elements on this
level. She looks small in this large wall less chamber. The
sky around them is still dark, stars can be seen. It is
almost as if they are in a space ship.
The closer you are to the middle the lower the ground is.
There is vegetation wrapping bench tables, chairs, and what
could pass as contemporary art constructions, all
constructed by the same stone used to construct the
building. It looks like an out door play ground over run
with vines and foliage.
We look from above as she walks forward, we can tell the
ground up here is all soil.
She unstraps her sheathed sword and puts it down, leaning it
against the side of the base of a large pillar.
Helvetica bends down to plant the flower, she gets on her
As she begin digging with her hands a voice speaks out. Her
Helvetica turns her face to see a young boy, 5 years her
junior, sitting on the flat base of a large marble pillar.
What were you doing? Were you
thinking of abandoning me?
I would think of doing no such
Palatino turns his head away stubbornly raising his chin and
shutting his eyes. The sun starting rise.
...It's not like I am worried about
you, but you should stop leaving
the tower. There's perfectly enough
space to stretch your legs here.
Helvetica stands and smiles warmly, the sun coming up from
You worry too much, Palatino.
Palatino objects, a look of indignation and embarrassment on
I just said I wasn't!
No need to be so —
Suddenly, they are alerted by a loud voice shouting from
below, they turn to face the direction of the voice.
Oi! Witch!! Witch!! Come down here!
He's back again? Why can't he just
leave you alone?
Something tells me he's come for a
different reason this time.
Helvetica heads for the stairs, bending down to retrieve her
Palatino walks up after her.
Don't you ever get tired of going
up and down those stairs?
Helvetica is already on her way down, she waves her hand up
You get use to it. Try not to make
too much noise, okay?
Helvetica disappears down the stairs,
Palatino sighs. He looks to his side and sees a steaming
smithing furnace. He walks over to it and picks up a hammer
and tong, preparing to continue his work.
Suddenly a beam of sun light strikes his eyes, he looks
towards it. His eyes widen, shocked at what he's seeing.
The hammer drops to the ground with a dull thud.
EXT. IVORY TOWER ENTRANCE - SUNNY MORNING
A bunch of armored guards carrying primative muskets and
halberds stand by the door. A primitive troop carrier with a
loud engine and smoking exhaust idles near them
The Chief guard, a skinny man of medium height with a rather
well groomed mustache and comb over stands attentively,
waiting. The troops are jittery and nervous.
The chief notices a shadow approaching from within the hall
of the building.
The guards all run forward and stand shoulder to shoulder
behind the Chief. They aim their muskets forward. The guards
aim nervously, some of them are shaking.
(in the shadow of the
What's the meaning of this?
By the order of the prime magistar
I hereby arrest the7th generation
offspring of the banished family!
Neue Hass Gro-
Helvetica appears almost out of thin air, kicking up a
circle of dust around her as she points the tip of her blade
against the chief guards throat.
You don't want to finish that. Now
get on with it. What is the meaning
The troops all tense up, aiming fearfully at Helvetica.
We've come to retrieve you for
crimes against humanity.
Crimes? What crimes?
Suddenly Helvetica notices cars, civilian vehicles that look
like victorian era cars speeding by. They all seem to be
lugging a lot of packaging and are all fleeing from
the same place.
(Fear, Spite, pointing to
whats beside the tower in the
See for yourself.
Helvetica lowers her weapon, she is
looking off into the distance.
She see's the giant space colony penetrating a thick wall of
clouds over a city castle built into the side of a small
mountain. It is suspended above the city. Thousands of people
are escaping the city on vehicles and on foot.
Helvetica narrows and shields her eyes to get a better look.
(turning her head back to
What is it?
(folding his arms, grim)
That's what we're here to find out.
The magistar is convinced that you
had something to do with it... you
must come with us.
Do you really think I am
responsible for the appearance of
...No. I don't. But it doesn't
matter what I think now, does it?
Of course it does.
Helvetica looks near the door way briefly, as if
(looking at the chief)
Where will you be taking me?
The chief guard starts walking to his vehicle, his guards
(back facing us)
We'll be going straight to the
magistars mansion. Things
are hectic and the courts are
filled with minor cases.
(turning his head, grinning
I never took you to be a cautious
girl, what's the matter? Things get
difficult you could simply swing
that sword of yours around and
Helvetica glances back to the doorway one more time.
Things are different now.
Course. Of course they are. Now
come. The magistar awaits.
The driver puts the truck in gear and steps on the throttle.
The transport truck drives towards the city, against the
tide of escaping citizens.
INT. IVORY TOWER HALL - DARK
Palatino stands in the dark threshold of the entrance to the
ivory tower, looking down in silent contemplation.
He balls his hand into a tightly wound fist.
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EXT. CLOVELOCK CITY
The dark streets are strangely empty of people.
Fix reason firmly in her seat
Above, the ancient space colony floats, casting an omnious
shadow over the entire city.
Call to her tribunal every fact,
The streets are littered with belongings and abandoned
vehicles. Horses wander around, ownerless.
Quesion with boldness even the
existence of god.
A lone transport navigates through the streets.
Because, if there be one.. (Thomas J.)
EXT. MAGISTARS MANSION
It arrives at a massive mansion with fortress like walls
containing a vast field of bright grass. An elevated road
leads directly to the mansion.
He must more approve of the homage
Helvetica looks out the window and sees guards and random
people littering the grass field, all standing and unmoving.
They stare up mindlessly, like their minds have been broken.
Than that of blind folded fear.
TITLE: Chambermaid Abbadon
INT. MAGISTARS MANSION PRIVATE CHAMBER
The magistar sits on a pool table, his eyes glowing
melancholy. He is quite young, no more than 3-4 years older
Do you know why I have summoned you
Helvetica stands at the far corner of the room near the
entrance, she is alone but still armed.
Your chief informed me.
A shelf nearby catches Helvetica's attention, they are lined
with pictures of the same little girl. They are all drawn.
The Magistar walks closer to Helvetica
(laughing oddly dramatically,
No, no ,no. That is not why I
brought you here.
He waves a finger.
That was an excuse.
The magistar is in front of Helvetica now, he watches
Helvetica curiously as she looks at the pictures.
(leaning on the shelf)
Father was quite fond of you, you
know? He offered you a place here
but no. You'd rather live in that
wretched tower with your wretched
(Desperation in his eyes)
The magistar grabs her chin and looks her in the eye
You could have ended it. This
lineage of witches and warlocks. He
would have accepted both you and
your mother. You two could have
lived here in comfort. In peace.
(Slapping his hand away)
I was more more at peace out there
than I ever was in this city.
The magistar looks down at the drawings. In one picture the
little girl is in town waving a pipe and chasing people.
Is that why you kept coming back to
terrorize the city? Because of all
No. Because of boredom.
The magistar looks at Helvetica's smile with a hint of
suprise and a deep sense of longing. Suddenly he is
I... I've called you here because
I've been hearing things. Things
about a boy...
Helvetica is holding up a picture and looking at it,
His name is Palatino. And you did
not call me here, you had me
Yes... He's young, isn't he?
Too young! He can't possibly father
you a child!
(Sterness, slightly concerned)
Did I say I wanted one...? I think
you're getting the wrong idea here.
The magistar grabs Helvetica by the shoulder, a desperate
look in his eyes.
I can do it. Let me be the
father... I can do it before—
Have you gone mad? Let me go.
(Desperate, fearful, smiling)
before the end, before it happens!
that whelp doesn't deserve you. Not
like I do, he won't be able to—
(Under breath, angry)
Let. Me. Go.
On go Helvetica punches the Magistar across the face.
He drops on one knee as Helvetica backs away, hand on the
handle of her sword.
(On one knee, holding his
Witch!! Dreadful witch!!
The door bursts open and guards with muskets drawn flood in.
The Magistar begins closing in on Helvetica, backing her
near the window.
(Slouching, dragging feet,
All these years... I've waited...
waited for the day when I can take
you into my arms...
(Covering face, eyes wide)
And you take in this... this
whelp?! ...This child?! Who do you
think it was that made your life so
comfortable in that wretched
(Shouting, betrayed, insane)
It was me! me!! And now you repay
me with this... treachery?! Do you
how that makes me feel?! Do you?!
A tick tick sound comes from the window.
The sound of water hitting it. Helvetica tilts her head to
get a better look outside. The rain is thick and dark. The
color of blood.
The room becomes darker, blood oozing on the window.
The guards all have slasher smiles with spit leaking down
their mouths. Their clothes are stained with blood. Their
eyes wide open.
Enough. I've waited enough.
(Shadowed except for the
whites of his eyes)
Take your clothes off. Sis.
EXT. DESERT VALLEY - AFTERNOON, CLOUDY
An victorian vehicle with FRUTIGER and TIMES ROMAN[driver]
is heading towards the city, They are dressed in the uniform
of a certain organization.
There are only a few vehicles leaving the city now.
Most of the vehicles leaving now are stained red with blood.
INT. VICTORIAN VEHICLE - AFTERNOON, CLOUDY.
Frutiger sits up and sticks his head out the window to look
at some people they had just passed.
Woah! Did you see that? Those folks
were covered in blood!
(Stern, wearing shades)
Keep your head down! You don't know
when we might encounter the enemy.
Enemy? I don't know about you, but
I doubt there's anything here we
can consider "enemies"...
Fool! Do you not see how they flee?
The citizens are in a state of
panic, in fear. Do you know what
fear breeds in such high population
(Outrage, turning to face
No you blithering idiot.
Frutiger leans his elbow on the railing as he listens to
Times Roman rant.
It breeds religion. The most foul
kind of courage that works hand in
hand with ignorance. It spreads
like a bloody cancer. The kind
Frutiger opens his eyes wide as the vehicle rapidly
approaches the figure of a young boy with his hands spread.
He takes control of the steering wheel to steer the car
(Grabbing steering wheel,
Woah! watch out!
The car barely misses Palatino who was standing in its path
with his hands spead. He is holding his forging hammer.
The car drifts into a dusty stop. Times Roman leans out and
yells at him.
What's wrong with you child?! You
looking to get yourself killed?!
Palatino walks up to the window, his body shaking with
anxiety. He isn't use to dealing with strangers.
Y-you're heading into the city
Take me with you!
Times and Frutiger pause to look at each other, not knowing
how to react. Times smirks wickedly under her breath.
You some kinda hero, kid?
Palatino pauses, unsure of how to answer.
(Looking away, shy)
I... I... I just need to make sure
someone is alright...
Times roman leans on the door and looks and Palatino with a
(Turning to frutiger, curious)
What say you, Frutiger? Shall we
take him a long?
(Leaning back, annoyed)
Stop teasing the kid and let him
in. Better that he sticks with us
than wander out here alone.
Well, I don't know about that.