Religious Parents

[Queerious Toast]

I'm confused about my sexuality. I know I'm not straight, but I'm also not sure if I'm gay or just bi. Right now, I'm more attracted to women than men. What can I say? A fantastic set of boobs can make almost any straight woman question their sexuality.

Even though I'm confused, it's not much of a problem for me. As long as I'm in love with the person I'm with, I don't really care about gender. The problem is, my family is very religious.

My parents would probably force me to go to church if they found out that I'm bi or gay. My parents find homosexual relationships "disgusting" my mom even stopped watching Glee with me when it reached the Kurt and Blaine storyline, it's really sad because watching Glee with my mom used to be fun. To make matters worse, my grandmother is hardcore religious, as in, she goes to church everyday. I have a gay cousin who came out 2 years ago and my grandmother still prays that the demon inside him would leave his body.

I want my parents to know about my sexuality because I think that they have a right to know or something. How can I tell them?

[NoOrmaa]

I think that you should tell them exactly how things are.Sure you have to be tactful.
In the end, they're your parents, they're gonna love you no matter what happens. I think they'll understand.
Parents are scared of their kids having relationships, regardless of your gender or your age. They're scared of us having sexual relationships because of many taboos, and they're scared of us making the wrong decisions and ending up with someone who hurts us.
Of course, you have to choose the right moment, and I'd recommend you talk first with the one you're closer with. Respect their timing and give them space to accept it, don't push them and don't get mad at them if they say things that hurt you. They probably don't mean it, so don't take it into your heart.
I hope my advice helps you, and remember that no matter what happens, I'm sure your parents will always love you.

[Asj]

I think you should talk to a preacher and your parents at the same time. I think most churches don't condemn people who are gay, so if your church is one of them (might want to make sure first), it would help for your parents to hear that.
(For me, I find it hard to believe that God would be against people like that, when he's the one who made them. Especially when there's xxy people, who actually have mixed sexes. But, the Bible says that men aren't supposed to sleep with men. Even though preachers would say it was just the law back then, or that's not exactly what it meant, or something.)

[Loverofpiggies]

Wow. This stuff sickens me. (A demon for being gay, wtf.)

Anyway, you can't help how you are. Its best to be reasonable and honest with yourself, and if you really want your parent's to know, then it may be best to tell them.

One, I definitely think they have a problem, if they think gay/bi people are disgusting. One thing, is if you're honest with them, maybe they might understand that its natural, and being gay/bi has nothing to do with being 'evil' or 'gross'. Its just part of being human. It seems like they're avoiding something they don't understand, and just try to label it wrong so they don't have to confront it. If they really loved you, they'd get over their problem and understand that you're just being you.

[mitchellbravo]

(For me, I find it hard to believe that God would be against people like that, when he's the one who made them.

I liked what my friend had to say about this once: God doesn't make wrong people.



(of course, this doesn't work when discussing with those who believe that homosexuality is a behavior that can be chosen. If you can't agree on that basic concept, the whole debate is moot.)

[C_You]

When someone tries to tell me that my less-than-strait-ness is a choice, I ask if s/he could choose to be gay, after all, if I chose it, so could they. Their answers tend to be negative.

I wish I could tell you that you are in a situation that has an easy answer, but I can't. It's a hot button issue that has torn up more than one family. However, reminding parents that they should be happy that their child is happy tends to do a lot of good.

[Mr Aids]

I wouldn't bring up your sexuality with your parents if you're still unsure about it, you should avoid drama if possible. If you do get involved with someone of the same sex then they have to deal with it, it's not up to them who you date.

[SushiGummy]

What do your parents think about your cousin?

I don't really know your parents, but if they're anything like my dad, they probably won't want you dating other women, especially if you're bi. My dad is already pissed at me because I don't ever want to get married or have kids, it can get mighty hellish depending on your parents.

I just hate that homosexuality is such a huge target to so many religious people today. I'm religious myself, and it just baffles me to see so many people who misinterpret "these are the rules you need to follow" as "these are the rules you need to enforce." I think many Christians need to convert themselves before trying to convert others, but that's just my opinion. Praying for others is fine (in a more "I'm praying they do the right thing" rather than "I'M PRAYING THE HOMO DEMON DISPATCHES AT ONCE"), sharing your religious beliefs is fine, but yelling "Y'ALLS FAGS GONNA GO TO HELL" to people who probably don't share the same beliefs as you isn't going to help anybody. I don't know why, but some people just seem to assume that their religious beliefs are 100% spot on, which is quite the dangerous assumption to have when many of life's answers can't even be comprehended by the human mind.

I'm not sure whether I'm on topic anymore. Point is, you know your parents more than anybody. You should discuss this with someone you trust or share more information on your parents (as many of us might not have much to go on with the current information).

Also, therapist. Therapist therapist therapist. They'll give better advice than any of us.

[SRQ]

This is a tricky subject to give advice on, I'd hold off going to see a therapist though. I don't really know enough about your personal situation to give any huge in depth advice, but I can pass on three universal rules based on the outing of myself and the gays I grew up with/dated when I was a teenager.

1 - If you are still considered a minor, or are not able to move out and live on your own. Don't tell them. I understand that you think they have a right to know, and to be honest they do, but you have to put your rights first. You have the right to be happy, and to live on your terms... but not until you're 18.

2 - Make sure you have an escape route. Out of the six gays I went to school with, only one had to use their escape route. Its not the common thing (at least in England) for people to be outright rejected. But its sensible to make sure that you have somewhere to live if your parents do flip out.

3 - Make sure your escape route is not some old creeper who just wants to- ... you can probably work out the rest.

From what you have written, your family obviously loves you. Your grandma even seems to love your cousin, in her own scary kind of way. And even though this topic will never stop being terrifying, its usually less awful than you imagine. I don't know how your family will react, but you gotta put yourself and your safety first.

[maplebee]

Personally I think a person's sexuality is no one's business but their own; no one else has a right to know. I can definitely understand not wanting to hide such a large part of your self from people close to you, though. I suppose you just have to weigh the possible rift it will cause against having the truth out. Though you never know: sometimes people have to reconsider their beliefs when a loved one challenges them. I'm not saying coming out will make religious parents suddenly have no problem with homosexuality, but it may eventually get them to reconsider whether it is 'wrong', in the face of actually knowing someone close to them who isn't 'straight' (it's an awfully lot easier to be prejudice against a group of people you never interact with than it is to be intolerant toward people you get to know well). You know your parents better than I, though, obviously.

[ElSmitty]

Honestly exploring sex with woman is ok. A lot of woman experiment.
If you are comfortable with trying something then try it out. You only live once! You might like it, you might not. And, it probably safer then having sex with men.

[pwii]

I honestly think you should tell your parents. They will find out sooner or later, and it will be a lot easier to tell them now. And I also think you should accept that you and your relatives are not going to agree on this, because I don't think it will happen. I also think you may get frustrated at your parents for not believing being gay/bi is ok, but hating them for not being open to different sexualities is the same as them hating you for being thus.

If they are open-minded, they will be tolerant. Of course, they won't change their minds, but they will still love you. My dad is a big smoker, and I believe it's completely and utterly wrong to screw up your body like that. But I still love him, I don't bring it up, and we don't fight about it.

[mockingbirdflyaway]

I second the "wait-until-you're-legally-an-adult" argument. As a minor, your parents have the power to make you do a lot of things against your will. I would wait until you are legally able to make your own decisions before you come clean with your family, just for your own safety. It sounds like they do really care about you, so there will probably be a chance that they come around eventually, but you do have to prepare for the worst.

In the meantime, decide if you want to risk the experimentation (I would say wait again until you have control over your life, but this would be your decision, because everyone should be able to choose)

Dan Savage's (you can google him and his advice column, but do be warned that it's meant for more mature audiences) mum didn't accept the fact that he was gay for years apparently, but eventually came around to it. I've heard of the same thing happening in other families.

When you do hit the big 18 (or whatever is the age of majority where you're from), tell your parents from a loving perspective. Tell them you love them and you'll always be their daughter, and that despite the fact that you might not fit traditional sexual orientations, you hope that they can still accept that you're still the same person and that you won't be able to change who you are. (You don't have to tell Grandma) Expect fireworks, so have a plan for clearing out and laying low for awhile. If your family is a loving one, your absence may have a sobering effect. Just remember it'll probably take time for them to come around.

[kuroi_hitsuji]

I third the motion...but really the biggest question is what you want and what you're prepared for.

The fear will always be there, so if you want to deal with them, decide on the fact that you WILL tell them.

As for when, how long are you willing to wait? Is it really necessary if you haven't even found a relationship, or a cause for alarm.
You think you're bi, or gay...maybe you're bi-curious? You never know.

It may raise alarms to start a relationship with a guy without telling them, I suppose you may choose to have one and keep it secret...or you could prepare them ahead of time if you're absolutely sure you want to have a relationship like that....but are you ready for the way they might treat you afterward?

Coming out can change your household life either forever, or never at all...you never know, they might accept you, they may change their opinions for you. That's a possibility, probably slim, but it still is....and so is not being accepted.

I suggest you also build yourself a support system beforehand. You said you watched glee, right?
Kurt was lucky to have an accepting father, but Quinn wasn't was she? Her father shunned her, her mother shut up. She had to turn to friends. Find friends who will hold onto you on dark days if ever you decide to come out, which you seem to be convinced will arrive.

If you don't do that first, you'll turn out like Santana or Karofsky. They couldn't deal with it, they couldn't find support, so they lashed out and hid themselves instead. That kind of thing wears you down.

I'm not saying come out to everyone, or all of your friends...I'm saying watch the signs. Choose your friends...see if any of your friends are supportive of LGBT, and build some courage to tell them. Maybe that can help prepare you for the possibility of telling your family.

[cloverthegreat]

OP, your sexuality is none of their business. Don't bother unless you have an SO of the same gender and/or are living independently.