Aaaaaargh!!!!

[K-cho]

Just learned something today that really upset me, but that I can't really do anything to change. I'm really angry about it, but since it involves sensitive issues for a friend I don't really feel like I should be discussing it with anyone IRL at the moment. So excuse me while I rant about it in very vague terms here...

My dearest friend and I both started college recently, and unfortunately we're going to schools that are very far away from each other, so I haven't seen her in several months. I had the chance today to have good long conversation with her for the first time in a while, and I was especially eager to talk to her because I had gotten the impression (via some stuff on her facebook page and so on) that she was in the middle of some relationship troubles and was having a hard time.

...As I had suspected, she had broken up with her boyfriend (someone who I also sort of knew and considered a friend) recently. What I DIDN'T know was that the ex-boyfriend had gone on to do all these horrible and fucked-up things to her, as revenge I guess? I won't go into details, but basically it's been exactly the sort of things that people can (and should) go to jail for doing. Even though he hasn't physically threatened her as far as I know, it's nothing short of emotional abuse, and him trying to hurt her and humiliate her in any way he can.

I feel more angry at this guy right now than I ever have at anyone in my life! It's especially horrible because like I said, I used to think he was an okay guy, and when they were together, (I thought) they were a very cute and lovey-dovey couple. I had no idea he was capable of something like that.

And as the final frustrating thing, on the guy's facebook page, there's all this stuff like his guy friends posting messages like "hey, any ladies interested in meeting my awesome and newly single friend xxx?" and so on, and it just completely boggles my mind that an asshole like that has any friends at all, let alone that he's trying to meet other girls!!! My friend is keeping evidence of everything he's done, and she's getting the police involved, and it seemed like she starting to do a little better when I talked to her. I'm so proud of her for being tough and taking action against him, but it is SO frustrating that I can't do anything to help out even though I wish I could. The thing that really needs to happen is for this guy to get arrested (and there's nothing I can do to speed that up), and I can't even be with her right now because we're living so far apart and we're both busy with school.

...It just makes me want to scream! I'm so mad that someone would do things like that!!!

[corruption]

I don't know how you can help your friend, but I do know something you and her can do. Record what her ex is doing so that when he tricks another girl into being his girlfriend, you can warn her of what he is really like. Come to think of it, record what his friends are like and warn their partners as well. I know it sounds vindictive, and in part it is, but it is also warning people who are dating arseholes.

Also, recording the ex may be a good idea if she ever has to get the authorities involved.

[Elastikid]

Sometimes, the people who seem like they are friendly and perfectly-adjusted people are simply master manipulators who only associate with others (romantically or otherwise) as a means to an end.

It's a difficult job identifying the genuine, sincere people from the deceivers. I would of course say the obvious, that those whose concern is with others rather than themselves are OK.

It could also be the case that, whatever he did, he simply did out of spite after the break-up. He could be a genuinely nice person to everyone else, but he did these things after having his heart broken. Who knows.

I can't really comment on what your friend's ex-boyfriend did to her, because you haven't told us enough about it (which is fine, it's probably a sensitive issue). However, I would obviously steer clear of this person, and cooperate with the police investigation wherever possible.

Of course, if you haven't witnessed anything firsthand, I would advise against telling the police anything you may have heard from your friend. Tell them what you personally saw. No more, no less.

[K-cho]

Thank you for the advice! Just typing it all up made me feel a bit better, haha.

I believe my friend is already hanging on to proof of what he's been doing, and I think the police have been alerted. (Though she also said that there's the potential for complications because the ex currently lives in another state...)

I don't really feel like contacting his friends would do much good, unfortunately, since I don't know any of them and they wouldn't have any reason to believe me if they didn't want to. (Idk if my friend is spreading the word or not at this point.) Getting into an online fight with him and his friends won't make things any better, so I'm really going to try to stay out of things like that. Hopefully getting arrested and charged with harassment or whatever (and I do honestly believe that he's done things that could get him in serious legal trouble) will put enough of a dent in his social life...

[kuroi_hitsuji]

Well it seems that all she needs from you is your support.

Actually the best you can do is to NOT involve yourself in trying to get that guy arrested. As a third party person who didn't even witness anything, involving yourself may actually complicate things for the police.

I've been through a few things that are similar, and I can tell you that it's important to keep telling your friend you're on her side. Text or email her now and then and just say "hi" and "how are you" without talking about her issues. She'll bring it up if she wants to rant. Saying hi is just a good way to say "I'm free to listen if you want right now." and she'll get the message if she feels she wants to, but she wont be reminded if she isn't worrying about it at the time.

If it's mental abuse, you just need to keep your intimacy with her very open and secure.

It's hard with the distance, but that's why little efforts like that make a good impression.

Maybe send her a little gift, and if she asks why, just say you thought of getting it for her when you saw it. It'll also make her feel cared for without unsettling her about her situation.


Good luck to your friend, hang on too. Being strong means having a lot of support.