Ugh why is this

[SuperBiasedMan]

I think mitchellbravo's advice applies if you're getting to know someone that you'd have no interest in other than dating.
The test is, if you like spending time with them even as friends (but maybe also like the idea of being more) then you could be friends with them a while first to get to know them better.
However if you're viewing them purely as a possible girlfriend and not interested in being friends, then going friends first is NOT the way to do thing.

Honestly, wanting someone as a steady boyfriend/girlfriend but not wanting to be actual friends is completely foreign to me. I think I just view dating/relationships in an entirely different light. But I didn't pursue relationships in high school (or now), so if approaching someone without the intentions of friendship works, then go for it, I guess.

I'm of the same mindset as you (I expect it to be a transition from friends to more, never been one for picking people up at a bar), but not everyone does think this way so it's worth mentioning the possible Nice Guy Syndrome.

[KirbyHead]

Yeah, SBM explained it pretty well. I was alluding to the Nice Guy syndrome you actually mentioned, KirbyHead, but didn't feel like opening up that can of worms because I didn't think I could do it quickly enough that it wouldn't explode into a derail. Nothing wrong with getting to know someone (in general), because you kind of have to do that. There's a way you go about getting to know people that you want to be friends with- it's different when that gets mixed in with flirting with someone you're interested in with more than that. Part of maturing with regards to relationships is learning how to differentiate between the two.

I didn't see your post before. The way you explain it makes sense. It is different from how I would approach things, but I can understand how it works for other people. And I especially see how being honest with your intentions up front can help you avoid looking like the Nice Guy/Gal (girls do it too, hahaha) who initiated friendship with ulterior motives in mind.

I'm of the same mindset as you (I expect it to be a transition from friends to more, never been one for picking people up at a bar), but not everyone does think this way so it's worth mentioning the possible Nice Guy Syndrome.

Hahaha, the idea of bar pick-ups have always thrown me for a loop, too. But I didn't see the possibility of becoming a Nice Guy/Gal-- now that I've reread everyone's posts, I can see how someone might unintentionally fall into that role if they aren't clear about what kind of relationship they're interested in.

[mitchellbravo]

avoid looking like the Nice Guy/Gal (girls do it too, hahaha)

I think there needs to be more awareness of this.


Heh, I may have misrepresented myself in this thread, I make it sound like I go around hooking up with strangers left and right That's not really my means of operation, either. For what it's worth, I'm very close with my current boyfriend, in a friendship sense as much as a relational one. But at the beginning as we were getting to know each other I laid it on thick with the fliration because I got the feeling he wasn't going to make the first move and I didn't want to lose my chance. We did hang out and do friendship-type things, but the way I interacted with him was different from the way I interacted with the other boys in the house with whom I just wanted to be friends and nothing more.

This doesn't take into account situations when suddenly you get the hots for somebody you're already friends with... that's a different can of worms entirely, and one that I've never had to deal with personally. that's definitely a tougher butt to pull, from what I can imagine.

[Tailsgod]

haha thanks guys, it really helps
I don't think i have nice guy syndrome, or at least i hope not, I'm polite but I'm certainly far from the nice guy syndrome i hope, or at least now I'll be more careful not to fall into that trap.
Also one of my least favorite parts is that a couple girls (one or two i did in fact like) find the need to be flirty in everything they do. So I'm never sure now if a person is flirting with me or not when i'm talking to them. I know some of my good friends are only joke flirting with me, but with people who i started talking to, trying to move in on the idea and focusing on the flirting aspect that i would like to possibly see a movie sometime and maybe more, i seem to misinterpret them as only play flirting or something like that. So I have to mainly work on that. But seriously thank you all, this really has helped

avoid looking like the Nice Guy/Gal (girls do it too, hahaha)

This doesn't take into account situations when suddenly you get the hots for somebody you're already friends with... that's a different can of worms entirely, and one that I've never had to deal with personally. that's definitely a tougher butt to pull, from what I can imagine.

That pisses me off so much when that happens to me, and it has happened a couple times. Luckily I know NOT to ask them out because i know it wouldn't work out, eventually i get over them, one of the girls i once liked actually is one of my best friends now and knows i liked her once, we laugh and say that if we did date we would have ruined any chances of us being this good of friends

[mitchellbravo]

Oh yeah, there's another complication- people who flirt with everyone. Well, at least you figure out who those people are and then remember to never take their flirting seriously- the little bright side that there is, I guess

I think the best advice I can think of, and this is obviously easier said than done, is that there's plenty of fish in the sea. If you muck things up with one person, it's not the end of the world. (I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that the fact that the boy I liked was going to a different high school than me didn't mean I would never, ever, ever have a crush on anyone else ever again.. PUH LEEZE). Try to look for the fun in getting to know people in a romantic sense, because then you'll likely be more confident (and therefore more likely to succeed) and you won't be going about asking a person out the same way you would go about diffusing a bomb.

Ah, I have a bit too much to say about this topic, don't I? I guess it's because I never used to be good at flirting, and then I got better, so now I feel like I have the authority to tell other people how to live their lives Oy, I'll be over there, doing my homework.

[Tailsgod]

Oh yeah, there's another complication- people who flirt with everyone. Well, at least you figure out who those people are and then remember to never take their flirting seriously- the little bright side that there is, I guess

I think the best advice I can think of, and this is obviously easier said than done, is that there's plenty of fish in the sea. If you muck things up with one person, it's not the end of the world. (I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that the fact that the boy I liked was going to a different high school than me didn't mean I would never, ever, ever have a crush on anyone else ever again.. PUH LEEZE). Try to look for the fun in getting to know people in a romantic sense, because then you'll likely be more confident (and therefore more likely to succeed) and you won't be going about asking a person out the same way you would go about diffusing a bomb.

Ah, I have a bit too much to say about this topic, don't I? I guess it's because I never used to be good at flirting, and then I got better, so now I feel like I have the authority to tell other people how to live their lives Oy, I'll be over there, doing my homework.

Haha, if they ever do create time travel i want to go back in time and slap myself for my stupidity, honestly alot of my confidence issues strain from hanging out with the wrong group from freshman to junior year, this year I've learned from my past mistakes and been working to drop the group of people who oddly call themselves my friends while all at the same time stabbing me in the back and generally make a habbit of telling me how i suck at what i do.
Absolute favorite comment "well I'm sure you'll work hard at being an animator, you really aren't that good"
Ugh why did i hang with these people, oh thats right I had no self esteem.
haha well I'm right now starring as cratchit in my school play, designing the posters for the play, haning out with various groups, making a small animated series, getting another job and applying to college, and basically getting my life back in order. Who knows maybe I'll meet a girl now that I don't have people constantly telling me that I suck at what i do and making my life miserable

[grimvalesti]

Because a-holes are more interesting than those that don't find them interesting.

Not me speaking, but it seems like a simple enough answer.

[mitchellbravo]

Oh, hell yeah. Associating with people who revel in misery is definitely a major down-puller. A number of years ago I lived with some, I suppose the polite thing would be to call them disturbed individuals. I made choices that year that I regret, and I was also incredibly unsocial and could barely get myself to do anything. I got away from those anchors, and it was the difference between night and day, I felt better physically, mentally, emotionally, pretty much every way you can feel better Hey, break a leg with your play!

[Tailsgod]

Well Good news on my front
I've gotten rid of my crappy friends
and I have a kinda sorta date with this really cool girl who is into the same sorta stuff I'm into (kinda sorta as i asked her out for a drink, but its more like an old get to gether between old friends to catch up on old times, but it is possible it may lead to more so fingers crossed)
thanks for the advice peoples