Supernatural/Horror/Fantasy comic idea?[ Admin: Pls Move?]

[Agixt Roe]

First of all, does this belong here? Cus IDK. It seemed to be the best place ;_;


Mana Asayo is seventeen, and with friends, decides to take a daring trip through Aokighara, known as The Suicide Forest, where many die each year. It's said to be ridden with vengeful and angry spirits, along with various demons. Those who go in and come out say the aura is haunting and forebodding. Sometimes, evil. Headstrong and determined, Mana believes she can make it through three days straight within the dark forest.
But a dare from her friends on upon arrival to the forest proves fatal... entering one of the caverns, known as the Lava Cave, as she nears the end, what appears to be a young child pulls her into a neverending void. Having fainted during the experience, when she awakes, she's exactly where she'd found the girl.. but upon leaving the cave, her friends are nowhere to be seen and the forest is bustling with life... er, death?
She comes across a very scrawny and lanky looking young man, who she gives her hand to. She learns there are two demon kings that rule Aokighara, and bind everything to it's soil, and hold her captive as well. If she wishes to go back to her own world, and to set the angered spirits free, she must defeat them.

Sorry for a crappy description thus far :b But that's the idea. It's set in Aokighara, a forest in Japan that has the second highest death rates in the world. 50-100 people commit suiced each year. Also, in the past when people were sick or old, they were gnerally taken into the forest and abandoned there to die. It was sort of an inspiration to me. I'm really into the supernatural and I was sort of wanting to do my own take on an InuYasha theme. Mana is suppose to be from a line of priests and spiritual healers, so she's not totally helpless in her own hell on Earth ;u;.

Main Characters:
Mana Asayo = She's strongwilled and stubborn. She has always had the ability to see the dead, but has never exactly realized she can. She's never payed attention to her surroundings very well, and when she does see the dead, it's not a very terrifying experince, as most look like normal humans to her. She has high spiritual abilities, though most of it is stored away, having never had need fr it in her daily life.
Her parents ied at a young age and she lives with her grandmother in Okinawa. Her grandmother, in the past, was also very similar to her, but did notice the dead among the living. Her abilities were never as powerful as Mana's though.

Akinobu Yamaguchi = A young twenty year old man who lived during the feudal years of Japan. He was a young lord, but came down with an incurrable illness. He was taken deep into Aokighara and left for dead, instilling fear into those around him. [ They didn't want to catch his illness] He's rather shy and kind, but is vengeful inside and will have bursts of rage when he's pushed, and each time makes him closer to becoming a demon. [ Picture coming soon ]

Gorenji = A simple demon, who is...sort of, under control of one of the main demon lords in Aokighara. After a small fight with Mana later on, she promises to free him of the demon lord(He admits to her that he hates it but has little choice). He claims he's not really relying on her because she'll get killed, but he can see how powerful she really is. He's ten times more stubborn than her, brash and easy to piss off. He also can occasionally transform into a stronger demon, but on rare occasions because it takes so much out of him. He's really the ghost of a mad narwhal.
Not really.

So yep! There it is.. thoughts >~>?

Edit: Still a W.I.P. There will be things I edit out and fix. This wont be happening till I get a tablet, most likely :p

[blankd]

(This will probably be better in the art showcase forum, you can ask a mod to move it for you.)

Anyway, like all stories that seem to be involved with Japan, is the Japanese portion really that important to the comic? Does it absolutely have to be Japanese? I only ask this since you probably are not a native to Japan so you'll have to do research to ensure accuracy.

Other than that, the base story doesn't really pull me in, it's very... typical? I'm not sure what sort of story you're aiming, you mention Inuyasha, but the thing about that series is that it was filled to the brim with fluff for what it was.

So, what do you want to get out of this story since it can be made as long or short as needed? The main character seems a bit... over prepared for the scenario so that can make her seem a bit sue-ish. I'm also not sure why she needs the ability to see the dead if she is going to be fighting against demons- or do you mean "youkai"? You have to specify in this case.

(Sorry for the nebulous feedback but the scenario is just so... typical/common it's hard to give good crits aside from a general request to think about adding a bit more originality to your story.)

[Agixt Roe]

Thought so -_-
Considering this is a forest in Japan and I was interested in it from a documentary I watched, yeah. Just stood out to me. Anyway, I have been researching and I've read a few blogs/ seen some vlogs about people's visits in Aokighara. I've also been trying to search up different types of Japanese spirits/yokai to use and get ideas from.

Yeah, I know. What I was basing it off of was the 'In ;another world' running around fighting demons part". There's probably going very little romance(if at all) between the two obvious characters ><

Yeah; I decided the martial arts bit was a little much; so I'm not going with that. Otherwise, she's an average girl... with the potential to be something more. That's going to be one of her struggles; learning how to really project and use her powers. As for the "Seeing dead" bit, it's a mixture of yokai and spirits in the forest. People who live around the area and outside of it believe that it's filled with both, also it's probably the only part of her power that she really has open to her at the time. ( Edited my post.. this all still a w.i.p)
For the first bit a lot of reliance is going to Gorenji for offence, till she can figure things out.

Oh, yeah >< I did mean yokai. I couldn't remember what the Japanese called them >< I kept thinking yurei.

This is a typical response to all of this-- but I probably could have written it out better if I weren't tired and impatient atm. I'll probably re-write it and go over it again tomorrow, but for now that's what I got >_<

[blankd]

Considering this is a forest in Japan and I was interested in it from a documentary I watched, yeah. Just stood out to me. Anyway, I have been researching and I've read a few blogs/ seen some vlogs about people's visits in Aokighara. I've also been trying to search up different types of Japanese spirits/yokai to use and get ideas from.

It's ok to tweak things a bit for your story. The main reason why you probably shouldn't do Japan is simply because you probably don't know a whole lot of their culture- however there IS nothing stopping you from drawing your influence from there. Unless you plan to explore "otherworld Japan" specifically, I recommend just making it a fantasy world of your own creation that simply happen to have Japanese mythological references- however, also tweak and add your own material accordingly.

Yeah, I know. What I was basing it off of was the 'In ;another world' running around fighting demons part". There's probably going very little romance(if at all) between the two obvious characters ><

You have full control to do what you want with the subplots, there is nothing wrong with it. Same for "running around fighting demons", you just have to work harder to make it stand out since it's a fairly common setup/conflict.

Yeah; I decided the martial arts bit was a little much; so I'm not going with that. Otherwise, she's an average girl... with the potential to be something more. That's going to be one of her struggles; learning how to really project and use her powers. As for the "Seeing dead" bit, it's a mixture of yokai and spirits in the forest. People who live around the area and outside of it believe that it's filled with both, also it's probably the only part of her power that she really has open to her at the time. ( Edited my post.. this all still a w.i.p)
For the first bit a lot of reliance is going to Gorenji for offence, till she can figure things out.

I'd recommend just axing ability to see spirits since your main cast can PROBABLY see spirits anyway and she's likely going to be in a realm that spirits are so commonplace that it's a "pointless perk".

You could easily mold the story into one where she simply doesn't get any powers and has to learn how to overcome problems with her very human set of abilities. Spirit/Chi/inner energy powers are a dime a dozen, unless you have some real creative spin on it, seek alternatives.

This is a typical response to all of this-- but I probably could have written it out better if I weren't tired and impatient atm. I'll probably re-write it and go over it again tomorrow, but for now that's what I got >_<

[eishiya]

Moved to Creative Showcase, so you can remove that bit from your topic title now :D

I agree with everything blankd said, especially about Aokigahara. It's a beautiful and haunting place, but there's nothing in your story that screams to be set in Aokigahara. It seems tacked on. Design your own location/world, but don't be afraid to base it on Aokigahara. That way, you can focus on writing your story and not trying to conform to this real location.

The same goes for your youkai, etc. Your story doesn't sound like it'll do anything with youkai that you can't do with any other sort of spirits, so why use youkai specifically? Create your own spirits, draw from as many sources as you want.

I also agree with axing special powers if you can. It's much more interesting and easier to identify with when a character has only the same abilities as the reader. It'll also allow you to create greater conflicts that the character can't get out of so easily. She'll have to rely on her intelligence rather than her "powers." It might be harder to write since you'll have to think through the challenges much as she does, but it'll be much more rewarding both for you and the reader.


The whole "busts of rage" or "transform into a stronger form at an energy cost" thing is very overused. Can you bring anything new and worthwhile to it?
Why not get rid of it? Having these temporary boosts in power is a cheap way to solve conflicts, it's a sort of reusable deus ex machina. Let your characters solve problems through their own merits and despite their seeming limitations. Challenge your characters! Even if they don't like raging, transforming, etc, those things are all things the reader will come to expect to happen, and it'll cheapen every single conflict. There'll be no more suspense!
What if Akinobu has the power to "infect" others with a spirit version of his disease, which takes them through the symptoms at an accelerated rate? But every time he uses it, the same disease spreads through his own body? That would require the characters to think about the challenges ahead of them instead of solving problems through blind rage, and we would have a constant visual reminder (through his symptoms) of how close Akinobu is to death/whatever.

Gorenji overall seems like a stereotypical shounen manga character, the only difference being his appearance.
What if the demon lord is really an okay guy, and Gorenji is the evil one manipulating Mana?
Is there any real purpose to him being to transform? Why not give him a permanent interesting form (his current form seems like a shortcut for you to draw him, rather than an actual effective design), but limit his powers to certain situations? You can do better than this, I'm sure of it. Get away from the manga cliches and think about the core story you want to tell, and write your character's abilities with that story in mind.

[Amam]

I just wanted to say that I think this story has great potential, and with some more thought it'll be great. blankd and eishiya offer great advice. I'll look forward to see what you come up with.